Eternal Truths

I once had a rose named after me and I
was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall"
~Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a
good beginning and a good ending; and
have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ....
visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .... mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson

By all means marry. If you get a good
wife, you'll become happy; if you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly?Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single
glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes
you a living.
The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a
cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it
does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would
be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name
was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came
a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink...and I
hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the
disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the
thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging
process down if it had to work its
way through Congress.
~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But...everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown

Doctor to patient:
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you are not a
hypochondriac.
~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown


By the time a man is wise enough
to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere.
~Unknown

Remember, once you get over the hill,
you'll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I
even put it in the food.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy
at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some just don't have any film.

I always know G~d won't give me more than I
can handle but there are times I wish He didn't
trust me quite so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

If the shoe fits......buy a pair in every color.

Never be too open minded, your brains could fall
out.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a
car.

If you look like your passport picture, you
probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
of checks.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth.
Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than
coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and
throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you
to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move
the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me...you
can't live long enough to make them all yourself.